The Good, The Bad and A New Book
I have been bombarded with information today with information about a new book, Is It Me Or Is Everything Sh**?. Now, I have been told by many people that I am a pessimistic and very cynical person, and this book seems to represent my views. It is described by the authors, Alan McArthur and Steve Lowe, as “the encyclopedia of modern life”. It takes a cynical and humorous view of loads of aspects of modern life adn has a very dry form of humour.
In various places associated with the book are lists of things people like and don’t like, and I have compiled some here:
The British Public Hate:
- Speed Cameras
- Soap Operas
- Politicians
- Skateboards
- Radio 1
- The Railways
- Karaoke
- Mobile Phones
- TV Presenters
- Cheerful People
- Footballers’ Wives (TV Show and Real Life)
- Cats
- Cycle Couriers
- Waiters
- Lists, Surveys, Questionnaires and Polls
The British Public (Supposedly) Like:
- Kevin McCloud
- Autumn
- Babies’ Heads
- Smiling
- Halfords
- The Sea
- Vodka
- Christmas
- Buses
- Teenagers
- Queues
- Accident And Emergency Departments
- Clean Pavements
- Macy Gray
- Border Collies
Now I can’t understand this. I hate everything on the ‘hate’ list, but I also hate everything on the ‘like’ list.
Mr McCloud, for example. If I was building a house that I have spent hundreds of thousands of pounds on, and the whole thing has gone pear shaped, I don’t want him wandering along and saying, in that annoyingly complacent and placid voice: “So the whole thing has made you bankrupt and forced you to sacrifice your kids. But the view out of your bedroom window is stunning, even if you have no money left for windows.”
Buses do not come along in threes. They come in zeroes most often, and if they do arrive they’re going to the wrong place, have a new driver who doesn’t know where he’s going or charge you too much to stand up in a traffic jam, when it would have been quicker walk. Or pogo stick.
Autumn is annoying because you always get your shoes covered in leaf mulch. Who wants that?
Babies’ heads are always bald and generally have their mouths wide open, screaming.
Queues are incredibly evil, as they force you to look at over priced batteries placed conveniently by the till. The spotty 18 year old in their first job goes soooooo slowly just to make you stare at the overpriced batteries and then buy them, just to get him to move the queue along. Of course, cheap batteries are never placed by the till, they are always with the baking supplies, so no-one ever finds them, and has to buy expensive batteries (which are exactly the same, just in a different wrapper) or risk losing their place in the queue.
Smiling? Why smile about all this?
A&E?!?!?!?!?! One person who mentioned this said “Good old National Health Service”. Good? What planet are they on? Were they a contestant on Space Cadets?
Halfords is full of untrained and useless staff who couldn’t tell the difference between a car radio and a bottle of oil, yet they still ask you to buy some really expensive portable DVD player at the till, at the last minute, even though all you went in for is a bicycle inner tube.
Cleaner pavements are a myth, generated to fit in with the release of The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe.
The sea is full of oil, dead fish and speed boats owned by high flyers from London, who seem to think the sea is just a plaything for their enjoyment.
I will say nothing about Macy Gray. Buy a CD if you dare, and you will understand.
Vodka. Too much of that is floating around at school. Not just with teachers, but students as well. Suppose it makes for more lively lessons, even if they are too loud!
Border collies are about the only thing on this list I might like. I have a border collie dog, and apart from it’s never ending obsession with having to lay on my hand I have never had to use that three year extended guarantee 
Christmas. Christmas is fine, all the real Christmas stuff, but Tesco putting up signs saying “Merry Christmas And A Happy New Year” in July is going a little too far.
Finally, teenagers. Well, I am one and I am stuck all day with them. Some are OK, but that is a very small minority. Most of the nice ones end up dead or in funny farms, generating a nation of Kevin McCloud liking, bus using, autumn loving, baby owning, smiling people who injure themselves too much using gadgets from halfords, or ones they picked up in supermarket queues, before spending the rest of the day slowly ambling along a clean pavement by the sea, listing to Macy Gray on their iPods (another thing I hate) whilst getting drunk on vodka and buying Christmas presents for their dogs!
A bit long winded, but I thought it was about time I wrote a long blog entry.