You Can’t Trademark A Verb
I was contacted by telephone a few days ago by a person identifying themselves as Ms R Goss, who told me “A certain high street store will be sending it’s delivery lorries over 6.8 million miles delivering presents this Christmas.” I was not particularly interested with this statistic until “That’s the equivalent of 14 trips to the Moon!”.
Well, now I was interested. “And back.” I quickly corrected, “But why on Earth make 14 separate trips to the Moon? Surely one trip with a lorry 14 times larger would be far more economical and environmentally friendly. Plus, considering the sucess rate of NASA missions, out of those 14 a few would certainly fail.”
Ms Goss tried to explain: “No, you don’t understand. We’re not actually…”, but unfortunately I was already contemplating all sorts of problems with this scheme. “Why,” I continued, “use lorries anyway? Surely, if you are travelling to the Moon some sort of spaceship would be far more fitting for the journey and much less likely to burn up on re-entry.”
“Look, I was just…” but now I was in full swing with no intention of allowing this mission to go ahead in it’s current state.
“Plus, I am not sure how secure the lorries are, but anything falling off the back of them would become dangerous space debris. I am sure our Martian friends would not be satsified with a George Foreman grill as our first gift to them. Have you considered the use of vans? Things tend to fall out of those far less often.”
“We are NOT making deliveries to the…” she exclaimed, but I cut her off.
“Plus, why go to the Moon anyway? The government doesn’t even know if it will introduce road charging via satellite, and anyway, they may find a way to track you on the Moon. How many branches do you have up there? All the 12 people who have ever visited the Moon have all arrived safely back on Earth, so I can only assume you are way off course or taking a detour. Did you download the Moon maps for your GPS systems? Make sure you avoid the Sea Of Tranquility.”
“Well, we expect to deliver 140,000 TVs and over 900,000 toys to UK homes” she proudly claimed.
“So why are you going via the Moon of all places?” I enquired. “Yes it looks very nice, but it’s awfully far to go just for the view, plus surely a telescope would suffice? And the velocity needed to leave the Earth’s atmosphere would no doubt damage your cargo. Perhaps it’s a mileage or tachograph scam. You send 14 lorries, or the equivalent in secure vans, to the Moon on one space shuttle and then claim the mileage 14 times, or split it between the 14 drivers.”
“W-W-Wha…”
“Well, thank you very much for informing me of this scandal. I am very grateful and shall inform the relevant authorities immediately. Hello? Hello…”
Unfortunately this rude interuption had caused me to completely forget what it was I was meant to write about. I will however leave you with some images and a video that you may or probably won’t find interesting, funny, scary or all of the above.
You may also wish to download the following, very short, video: Freddie Kicking Himself
That be all for today.