12 Days Of Christmas
On the 13th of December I was visited by a delivery man bearing a large box. I ripped it open and discovered it was a fruit tree, a pear by the looks of it. The delivery guy looked up from his clipboard and informed me that originally my package was also accompanied by a partridge, but unfortunately it was removed at the weighbridge for causing too many problems with physics calculations.
I was slightly bemused when a card popped through the door on the 14th, informing me the Royal Mail was holding for me a package, as the postage had not been paid correctly. This was hardly surprising, so went to collect my parcel and was quite surpried as two turtle doves burst into my living room, darted out and found some open woodland to hide in. This wasn’t really available, so they settled quite happily atop my newly acquired pear tree.
On Friday I received 3 lime-green packages stamped with the air mail symbol, sent from France. To my horror, the 3 French hens tried to attack my 2 turtle doves, but eventually they all settled in the pear tree, albeit making quite a cacophany (there is a word that isn’t used often enough…).
Parcel Force do not deliver on a Saturday, so I was left in peace, apart from those 4 colly birds that took up residence in the cherry tree, eyeing up the des. res. of the perfectly pruned pear tree.
Sunday is also quite quiet on the postal front. Five gold rings would also be incredibly expensive, and far outside the bdget of this blog, considering I have no advertising revenue or sponsorship. They also never really fitted with the flow of the rest of the song, receiving two 4/4 bars, while the others all get a single 3/4 bar.
Monday the 18th arrives and I am awoken by an official looking person from DEFRA informing me that the 6 geese being dropped off all have a golden ring around their foot (bar one) and therefore cannot be killed or transported without the owner’s permission. The 6th however, was mine to do with what I want. Before I could grab hold of them they also decided to seat themselves on my pear tree and it was at this moment it toppeled over, sending feathers (some still attached to various birds) flying around the room.
When I left for the bus on Tuesday morning I noticed 7 swans swimming along the stream infront of my house. They all then trotted up the drive and seated themselves around the pond in my back garden. How they managed to get through the iron gate I am afraid I shall never know. They were quickly followed by a Palace official informing me that if the swans were from the Thames, and therefore property of the reigning monarch, I could be prosecuted for treason. I set the geese on him and he soon saw sense.
Yesterday morning was probably the worst. 8 maids turned up, each with accompanying bovine friend. The cows decided to greet those in the field at the end of my garden and decided the best way to get acquainted was through a turf war. Wonderful. Just as the farmer brandishing the 12 bore came into view, a policeman turned up enquiring as to the presence of the maids and whether a house of ill repute had appeared in the area. He said he would return the next day.
Well, the arrival of 9 ladies dancing certainly does not help my case, and the poultry and other birds only confuse matters. I am also wondering if my tenancy agreement covers this many pets, otherwise I may have to invest in a farm.