Rob’s Blog

Considering we have just entered this new year, I think I should make some predictions as to what will happen throughout the year.

Official Predictions for the Year 2007 Anno Domini, as Written by Rob Valkass
In Association With: Bertrand Russel, Antonio Gramsci and Louis Althusser.

January
Snow will cover Britain. Roughly 4mm will fall in 2 weeks, which will cause transport and work to grind to a halt nationwide. The railways will cease, claiming “the wrong type of global warming” as an excuse.

February
A new Government intitiative will be created to make the ministers seem more willing to listen to the public. This initiative will be called Ministers Accept New Ideas And Criticisms. This will be one of very few Government initiatives that the public agree with, so it will be declared a resounding sucess.

March
Our troops will finally leave Iraq. Unfortunately this will cause tension between Prime Minister Brown and President Bush. Bush will call for troops to leave eye-raq. Brown will take this as a reference to his glass eye, and will launch a full scale attack. America will be deemed slightly too large a challenge, so we will simply invade Hawaii. This will go down much better with the troops, and EasyJet will strike a deal with the RAF to offer cut price flights on Harrier Jump Jets.

April
Bird flu will make an unwelcome return, but will be given a new alpha-numeric code. H5N1 was a bit too simplistic and instead, it will be known as M3D1A-HYP3-42. It will get the nickname The Common Penguin Cold to make it sound more friendly. Unfortunately, due to global warming the penguins will most likely die. This will cause mass global hysteria and a sell out of fluffy penguin toys.

May
Terror will grip many of our slightly larger political figures as National Vegetarian Week arrives on 21st May. All of our bulky MPs will holiday with the Lord Of Bee-Gee somewhere out of the country to ensure their supply of meat continues unwaivered. Kazakhstan will become shock winners of the Eurovision Song Contest. It will be revealed as an elaborate hoax by Sacha Baron Cohen, but the Kazakhstani population will make him official spokesman and maybe even become President, Prime Minister or both (yes, Kazakhstan has both, I checked with the CIA). Toward the end of the month, World No Tobacco Day (31st May) will no doubt cause a few suicides in the cabinet. Perhaps even literally.

June
The 33rd G8 Summit will be held, featuring Arnold Schwarzenegger, Gordon Brown, Sacha Baron Cohen and the winner of Big Brother 2007, just to make people seem vaguely interested in the event. The G8 nations will be replaced by Austria, Gibraltar, Kazakhstan, England, The Falklands, The Gaza Strip, Greenland and Lichtenstein. This will of course require a mass redistribution of the worlds wealth. This shall be acheived by the governments being so bad in the current G8 members, that the populations of the G8 nations will all move to these ‘new’ countries.

July
The government will realise that it is only 5 years until we host the Olympic games. Our new Minister for Sport and Culture, Ken Clarke will discuss with Prime Minister Brown how the project can be completed in time. It shall come to light the Government have contacts with a Ukranian building firm who will knock the stadium and facilities up for a fiver in a few weeks. Cleaning can also be carried out by the same firm the Government hired a few years ago.

August
Conspiracy theorists shall do well this month. A lunar eclipse, coupled with the 65th World Science Fiction Convention being attended, for the first time, by aliens, shall lead to hysteria and panic. The solution will be for America to nuke the Moon which will lead to world peace. It will also lead to worldwide flooding, which should create another well-overdue boom in the houseboat market.

September
Dead Ringers shall return for the sole purpose of ridiculing the Labour Party Conference. The conspiracy theorists will slowly disappear with a partial solar eclipse. People will start to get a bit bored really, and for the first time be interested in the Labour Party Conference. Also, for shock value, Andrew Dismore (MP for Hendon) will be elected Labour Party Leader, if only to annoy Gordon Brown.

October
The raising of the legal age at which one can purchase cigarettes will pass largely unnoticed. The only problem will be getting those signs that they have in newsagents (The ones that say “It is illegal to sell tobacco…”) printed in time. This will cause great econoimic growth for plastic sign makers, but unfortunately there will be a national shortage of other sorts of plastic signs. Health and safety campaigners will complain about a lack of “Exit”, “Wet Floor”, “Loose Tiger”, “Warning: Piano Falling”, etc. signs, but will be silenced with an arguement that these new smoking signs will provide general benefit to the health and safety of the nation.

November
The NHS crisis will finally be solved. Health Minister Prescott will make sure anyone who is obese, drinks, smokes, takes drugs, has the common cold, has a bit of a headache, just feels a bit achy and doesn’t want to really get out of bed, etc. will be refused treatment. He will therefore be dead by mid-February 2008, and the NHS may actually fall into the hands of someone who knows what they are doing.

December
Christmas will be completely removed from our society by order of the Government. It will be replaced by “Generic Winter Festivities”. Gift-giving and receiving will be outlawed as it creates a rift between the rich and poor. Garish lights will be banned becuase there will be a complete energy crisis, and all remaining fossil fuels will have been used by Prescott for his now 8-strong fleet of Jaguars. We will also be planning 8-lane wide motorways to accommodate him.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, January 2nd, 2007 at 8:34 pm and is filed under Random. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.